I think I'm loosing my mind, but only time can tell for sure

First of all, I'll be the first to admit I don't know if this is sustainable.  This writing under intense stress, but it's where I am.  I feel like I'm losing my mind.  But you know my mantra, write your ass off boy!  So here I am, trying to survive the latest episode of "My life has fallen apart".  Or maybe it was always this way and I just realized it.  I tend to live in a bubble sometimes.  Dancing as fast as I can.  Examining and re examining, at the expense of the expenses (I don't mean money, I mean things that deplete me).  I don't spend my emotional capital as much and as often.  I sort of stand back and take it in, examining and re-examining.  Then I respond.  Sometimes I'm late to the pity party.  I'm not sentimental.  But at least I'm pretty good in a crisis, no flapping around like a fish out of water.

Some people hate it, others exploit it.  Reminds me of those calls I'd receive at 3 o'clock in the morning from mom.  "You need to come talk to your brother", apparently he put a cigarette out in his wife's face, and cursed her again. " But mom it's 3am, I gotta go to work in a few hours."  It would just go over her head and she would wail endlessly about the latest crisis, and the virtues of motherhood.  I put my clothes on and catch the 60 bus to Bushwick.  In the end it was nonsense, all nonsense.  The cigarette was plucked at her, and could've hit her face.  But nobody knows for sure.  I go to work and pay the price on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange on the opening bell.  The trader Brian Yunker booms IBM trades in my ear, all day long.  Sure, I stayed awake.  

I still haven't figured out the balance between different and the protective isolation of being the same.  Not different in terms of uniqueness, but peculiar as it may relate to a small community, or ideas you spend most of your life with.  I find there is an inherrent and overwhelming expectation we share the same convictions to thoughts and ideas of certain groups.  I have not built my life along those expectations, especially the ones I didn't know about.

I'm caught in the crosshairs, again.  Will I ever learn?  The moving parts are interesting to watch, convening the joint chiefs of staff, instituting the draft, mobilizing the troops, stockpiling garrisons, collecting intelligence.  Divorce is like that.  All that.  I surrender before it begins.  War is expensive.  Just let it happen.  Take the hit, reduce casualties.  Write your ass off boy, just write your ass off.